Disappointed that no foreign countries have boycotted the Beijing Olympics, Shanghai mayor Han Zheng has announced that Shanghai is to boycott the Games of the XXIX Olympiad. "This is not a matter of rivalry between Shanghai and Beijing" Han clarified, "although clearly the 2010 World Expo in Shanghai is a far more significant event than some silly Greek sports festival".

The Olympic flame will be passing through Shanghai on May 20th this year. Shanghainese will be equipped with water guns to aim at the torch as it travels through the city. Shanghai taxi driver Mr Hu, 32, said "Olympics? What Olympics?"

Beijing Olympic mascot Yingying and Shanghai Expo mascot Haibao are the latest celebrities to be involved in a sex scandal. According to our sources, Yingying has been neglecting her mascot duties with the other four Fuwa in order to get down and dirty with big blue boy Haibao.

An ayi at the Olympic Hotel in Beijing spotted Haibao entering Yingying's room at midnight last Thursday. On pressing her ear to the door, she heard Yingying screaming "Faster! higher! stronger! ... Right there! Harder! Deeper!"

When questioned about what she was doing with Haibao, Yingying giggled behind her hands, before running a 42.195km marathon, grabbing her sabre, and doing some Greco-Roman wrestling.

Haibao, who commentators have described as looking "like some kind of demented blue condom" has been in hiding in Boston since the reported incident. It is rumoured that Yingying's jealous fellow mascot Jingjing, who has mafia connections, has been looking for him.

In 2006, the Australian national soccer team moved from the Oceania Football Confederation (OFC) to the Asian Football Confederation (AFC) as they hoped the higher quality of the Asian game would improve the standard of their players.

Now the Chinese soccer team is set to do the reverse, seeking a lower quality of football in the Southern Hemisphere. Xie Yalong, the president of the Football Association of the People's Republic of China said "We know that the Chinese football team is something of a joke at the moment. We hope that by playing teams such as the Cook Islands and Kiribati, we may have a better chance than when playing footballing giants such as Uzbekistan."

So I'm in the gym changing my clothes and this older Chinese man, maybe 70 years old, asks me "How long have you been in China?"

So I say "a year", as I get ready for the standard stream of questions. He comes back with "Do you have a Chinese girl yet?" to which I reply "No, I'm too busy". He laughs and says "You shouldn't waste your opportunities." I tell him "I keep my eyes open", he returns with "Just your eyes?" I try to sneak one by him with "I keep my heart open too." However he shuts me down with "Yeah, but you've got to use your hands and lips."

Game, Set, Match.

The Chinese team are gearing up for the "how much stuff can I balance on my bike" World Championships to be held in Shanghai next month.

After the disappointment of Hanoi 2003, when they were eliminated at the semi-final stage by unfancied Sri Lanka, the Chinese team are confident they can win this time around.

"We have been in constant training on the streets of Shanghai for the last four years," commented PRC team captain Li Qiang, "and we are confident our knowledge of the terrain, combined with our ability to carry unnecessarily large loads on our bikes, will prove decisive". Li's speciality is carrying over 100 water bottles on his trusty bicycle.

Meanwhile, Guangzhou amateur Mr Liu who recently hit the headlines for balancing his dog Gougou on the back of his bike, failed to make the squad for the championships after he could not balance a pyramid of 21 golden retrievers on his bicycle.