Shangzilla editor Dan Wasburnt had to make a trip to the Huashan hospital after having a firecracker explode in his pants on Chinese New Year's Eve.

Upon arriving at the hospital, Wasburnt showed his ID and told the paramedics "I was burnt!" They replied "We can see that, but what's the problem?"

Sub-editor Kenneth Tangent, writing about the incident, said it was a terrible struggle not to use a number of humorous firework related puns in the article. "This really was a cracker of a story", Tangent commented, "it was almost irresistible to write that Dan's evening had gone with a bang!"

Despite having an entire year to prepare, the monster 年 (Nian) posted yet another disappointing round of failed attacks on numerous Chinese human settlements last Tueday.

"I trained hard and studied my enemy," Nian commented. "But, in the end, they were ready for me with fireworks, red banners, and lanterns. Man, I hate that stuff, and they know it."

Editor's note: According to tradition, every New Year's Eve, the Nian comes out to devour people and animals. However, on New Year’s Eve 除夕(chuxi), Chinese people put couplets written on red paper up on their gate, hang red lanterns across gate beams, set off fireworks and stay up all night. Since the monster hates the color red, bright lights and firecrackers, he is driven away for another year.

Nian's string of many thousand failures has forced him to re-think his strategy. "I've always been convinced that the night before the Lunar New Year in China was really the ideal attack plan," he insisted. "But you know, maybe I need to switch it up, try something new... god, I haven’t had a bite to eat in ages."

So far, Nian is being secretive about his plans, but an unnamed close associate reports that he's considering attacks on a "plump and juicy" Western hemisphere country sometime in early July.

160 million Shanghai rats celebrated the arrival of the Year of the Human last night, with rats in party hats enjoying the fireworks across the city. Rats celebrated by scurrying around, drinking baijiu and spreading bubonic plague. There was a particularly large concentration of rats in City Diner's kitchen.

Rats born in the Year of the Human are known for their intelligence, imagination, and regular destruction of the natural environment and each other.

For many rats there would be little to celebrate this year though, with the worse weather in a generation freezing sewer systems and preventing rats from visiting their relatives in other provinces.

Responding to growing concern about traffic, pollution, and sanitation in Shanghai during the Chinese New Year holiday, city officials have announced a plan to ban half of the city's residents from leaving their homes every other day.

The plan calls for all residents with surnames Wang, Li, Zhang, Liu, Chen, Yang, Huang, Zhao, Zhou, and Wu to stay inside their homes on even days of the month and all other residents to stay inside on odd days during the new year holiday.

“Many visitors will come to Shanghai for the first time during the New Year holiday," explained Wu Jianghua, official spokesperson of the Shanghai Human Circulation Harmony Planning Department. "We don't want them to have the impression that Shanghai is a dirty, overcrowded, exhausting place. We want them to be able to enjoy the city in a more natural state and leave with a positive impression."

In preparation, he continued, "residents are encouraged to stock up on essentials such as rice, water, cooking oil, and DVD box sets."