Beijing Olympic mascot Yingying and Shanghai Expo mascot Haibao are the latest celebrities to be involved in a sex scandal. According to our sources, Yingying has been neglecting her mascot duties with the other four Fuwa in order to get down and dirty with big blue boy Haibao.

An ayi at the Olympic Hotel in Beijing spotted Haibao entering Yingying's room at midnight last Thursday. On pressing her ear to the door, she heard Yingying screaming "Faster! higher! stronger! ... Right there! Harder! Deeper!"

When questioned about what she was doing with Haibao, Yingying giggled behind her hands, before running a 42.195km marathon, grabbing her sabre, and doing some Greco-Roman wrestling.

Haibao, who commentators have described as looking "like some kind of demented blue condom" has been in hiding in Boston since the reported incident. It is rumoured that Yingying's jealous fellow mascot Jingjing, who has mafia connections, has been looking for him.

Shao Longtu, 102, CEO of the Jiumuchuansheng advertising company, was delighted to finally find a use for some rejected sketches of a mascot for Colgate toothpaste. "We had one of our interns working on the Colgate account", Shao explained, "and he came up with the idea of a big splodge-like creature called Cavit-T, who sang a song about gum disease. Unfortunately Colgate's marketing department thought the mascot looked too much like a genital worm, and the campaign was shelved".

The drawings have been sitting in a drawer for the last six months, until the Shanghai World Expo marketing department paid a visit. "We thought we'd show them a few sketches so they knew what kind of things to avoid - but everyone really took to Cavit-T. In ten minutes we'd given him a new name, and knocked up a story about blue representing water, sea, the Earth, life, dreams, the future and technology. And indeed blueberry muffins.

Presenting the Shanghai Expo mascot: Cavit-T Haibao!

Ding Lijun, a third-grade student at Honglingjin No. 1 School in Yangpu district, has promised his parents that his homework will be ready "in time for the 2010 World Expo".

Much like 13 new metro lines, redevelopment of Shanghai's satellite cities, a new high-speed maglev line, a city-wide wireless network, English training for all city educators, 14 new museums, cleanup of polluted waterways and a city-wide wireless network.

Ding was told to go to his room.