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December 14, 2007

Shanghai mother-of-one Mrs Fang was shocked to hear her son use a colorful English phrase at breakfast on Tuesday. "When I told Xiao Fang to brush his teeth before going to school, he shouted a dirty word at me! I couldn't imagine where he could have learnt that word, the little f-cker."

A recent report by the Shanghai Culture and Ethics Committee turned the spotlight on a number of popular English clubs which have been reportedly been teaching their students to curse. The "Walk Da Talk Da Walk" television show, a regular staple of the advertising screens in metro stations, used language including "mingebuckets" and "Boutros Boutros-Ghali" in a recent episode.

Mingebuckets!

Demi-god and electronic dictionary salesman Da Shan was also rapped in the report after using the phrase "fo shizzle ma nizzle" on CCTV earlier this year. Word.

November 1, 2007

Shanghai based language pharma-school MandarinPill has announced record profits of 173 million RMB in the 3rd quarter following the launch of its Laowaicide line of tablets and suppositories.

The company claims that if taken hourly the drug allows a patient to absorb the Chinese language effortlessly at a rate 100 to 1000 times faster than with conventional learning based techniques. Moreover they state that this has been confirmed in over a dozen peer reviewed scientific studies.

Since its launch in April Laowaicide, which contains proven carcinogens, has become wildly popular within China's expat community, many of whom had previously spent months or years trying to grasp the vocabulary, tones and written characters of Chinese with no discernible results.

Some controversy has surrounded the reported side effects of the drug, which include nausea, hallucinations, leprosy and death. Nonetheless most users remain nonchalant about the risks - "Hey, this is China, you're risking your life just leaving the house! ... or even not ... a friend of mine went into a coma watching CCTV9" said Jing'An resident Mike Evans, 32, from Ohio, USA.

Da shan
Early clinical trialists are not thought to have included Da Shan.

Others sounded a note of caution. Lucy Ashworth, 26, from Nottingham, UK says that while she is relieved at the hours of intense study and painful effort saved by taking the strange tasting pills, she has been worried by the sudden hair loss which started shortly after she began the treatment - "I can speak and read Chinese fluently now, but why couldn't I have done that as a blonde?".

But many users are quick to defend the product from its detractors. Speaking from his hospital bed Andrew Wilson, also from the UK, had nothing but praise for the drug, which has left him paralysed from the waist down - "It has improved my life immeasurably. Obviously I'll miss the use of my legs, but there is no country in the world more friendly to wheelchair users than China, so I think I'll be fine" he said, in Shanghainese dialect.

Analysts suggest that the products future is promising but not secure, due to legal challenges such as that launched in New Zealand last month after a local man acquired proficient Mandarin but was left speaking English in an Australian accent.

October 20, 2007

Scholars from the Ministry of Education, the guardians of the Chinese language, have announced that a new tone will be added to Mandarin in time for the Beijing Olympics.

Li Yuming, a senior education official, said: "With the rapid cultural and social changes in recent years, as well as thriving new concepts in our daily lives, we felt that four tones were no longer sufficient. And the neutral tone has always been a bit of a 光棍."

The new tone joins the 1st tone (high, level, long), 2nd tone (high, rising, medium), 3rd tone (low, dipping, long), and 4th tone (loud, falling sharply, short). It will be denoted by a complex squiggle above the syllable.

The new tone illustrated

"The sound is difficult to reproduce precisely in English," commented Mr Li with an evil chuckle. "Even Da Shan is going to struggle with this one".