Beijing Olympic mascot Yingying and Shanghai Expo mascot Haibao are the latest celebrities to be involved in a sex scandal. According to our sources, Yingying has been neglecting her mascot duties with the other four Fuwa in order to get down and dirty with big blue boy Haibao.

An ayi at the Olympic Hotel in Beijing spotted Haibao entering Yingying's room at midnight last Thursday. On pressing her ear to the door, she heard Yingying screaming "Faster! higher! stronger! ... Right there! Harder! Deeper!"

When questioned about what she was doing with Haibao, Yingying giggled behind her hands, before running a 42.195km marathon, grabbing her sabre, and doing some Greco-Roman wrestling.

Haibao, who commentators have described as looking "like some kind of demented blue condom" has been in hiding in Boston since the reported incident. It is rumoured that Yingying's jealous fellow mascot Jingjing, who has mafia connections, has been looking for him.

Shangzilla editor Dan Wasburnt's latest article for popular website Shangzilla.com has nothing to do with naked photos of Edison Chen.

Washburnt noted however, that the article Net awash with naked pictures of Edison Chen and you was currently topping the most popular articles this month. Even shameless ripoffs of Shangzilla.com are filled with stories about Edison Chen.

"Since internet users are searching frequently for "Edison Chen photos" and "Edison Chen taking naked pictures" and "Edison Chen latest sex scandal pictures", commented Wasburnt, "I decided to mention Edison Chen as many times as I could in the article to ensure my article came first in Google, whenever anyone searched for Edison Chen"

"I might also mention other Hong Kong stars like Gillian Chung, Bobo Chan, and Cecilia Cheung, who are also unrelated to my article. But closely related to Edison Chen", Wasburnt continued.

Wasburnt, whose hairstyle has rarely been compared to Edison Chen, once came last in an Edison Chen lookalike contest.

Wasburnt's next article, also about golf, is entitled "Latest pics in Edison Chen sex scandal".

Those naked pictures you let Edison Chen take of you with his webcam were released to several web sites Saturday. They include several nude shots, one where you are giving oral pleasure, those ones with the lacy tights, and the one you forgot about where you were wearing a police uniform.

As the scandal continues to unfold, Chen recently released a statement to YouTube in which he did not apologize for taking naked pictures of you. He did not apologize for storing them on his computer where they could be downloaded by any third party who gained access to the machine. He also did not apologize for taking his computer to a random repair shop to be fixed, thereby giving total strangers access to photos of you and other people. However, he did apologize to anyone whose feelings had been hurt by the photos' exposure.

The photos can now be found on several forums, including those on Tianji.com and Baido.com. They are next to pictures of Edison Chen with Regina Ip, Nina Wang and your mom.

Jiaolong University Press announced that its latest book, "Tom Cruise English", will go on sale nationwide Thursday.

"We thought Crazy English is so popular, and this is just another kind of crazy English!" explained Wang Badan, JUP's marketing head.

Lessons are based on Cruise's past interviews, as well as on the video currently making the rounds on the Internet. The first lesson is entitled "A ha ha ha ha!" covering the basics of Cruise's disturbing laugh. Subsequent lessons, based on the recent interview, teach students valuable oral English like, "You've got the power! And you know it's up to you, because, BAM! A ha ha ha ha!"

When questioned closely, Wang Badan admitted that Jiaolong University is not a real university, much like how Scientology is not a real religion.

Controversial new research from researchers at Shanghai Abnormal University has suggested that Li Bai, one of the greatest poets in China's history, was a foreigner who spent much of his life bumming around China to avoid going back home to pay his student loan. Fan Yangbing, who led the research, said the evidence was difficult to ignore.

The cultural faux pas: "Once, Li Bai was drunk and asked Gao Lishi, the most powerful eunuch in the palace, to take off his boots in front of the emperor."

The excess consumption of alcohol: "Li Bai had a great love for liquor."

Putting off getting a proper job: "Though he expressed the wish to become an official, he could not be bothered to sit for the Chinese civil service examination."

Having one too many at Bar Rouge: "he is said to have drowned in the Yangtze River, having fallen from his boat while drunkenly trying to embrace the reflection of the moon."

Moreover, new textual analysis suggests that Li Bai may have ripped off the poems which so fascinated the aristocrats of 8th century China from Britney Spears songs.

花間一壺酒。 Tell me baby cuz I need to know now, oh because
獨酌無相親。 My loneliness is killin me (and I)
舉杯邀明月。 I must confess I still believe (still believe)
對影成三人。 When Im not with you I lose my mind
月既不解飲。 Give me a sign, hit me baby one more time!

Shanghai mother-of-one Mrs Fang was shocked to hear her son use a colorful English phrase at breakfast on Tuesday. "When I told Xiao Fang to brush his teeth before going to school, he shouted a dirty word at me! I couldn't imagine where he could have learnt that word, the little f-cker."

A recent report by the Shanghai Culture and Ethics Committee turned the spotlight on a number of popular English clubs which have been reportedly been teaching their students to curse. The "Walk Da Talk Da Walk" television show, a regular staple of the advertising screens in metro stations, used language including "mingebuckets" and "Boutros Boutros-Ghali" in a recent episode.



Demi-god and electronic dictionary salesman Da Shan was also rapped in the report after using the phrase "fo shizzle ma nizzle" on CCTV earlier this year. Word.

Taxi driver Hu Wei has been working the streets of Shanghai for five years. On Friday evening he picked up his most famous passenger to date, Paris Hilton.

Hilton, in town for the MTV Music Awards on Saturday, slipped away from her bodyguards and boarded the blue Dazhong taxi near Lujiazui. Hu said at first he did not recognise the superstar, as she was wearing underwear.

"To my surprise, she spoke perfect Mandarin" noted Hu, "I had heard she was a brainless bimbo, but we had a long conversation about Confucius and the poems of Li Bai and Du Fu. She really nailed the tones, unlike that Da Shan I had in the back of my cab last week. He had to look up every other Chinese word in a little electronic dictionary!"

Popular Danish pastry Michael Learns to Rock failed to rock Shanghai at a sell-out concert at the Qi Zhong Stadium on Friday night.

"Despite ten years of trying, Michael still hasn't learnt to rock." music journalist Ditzy K reported in "Mingzhu Yinyue" magazine. "He struggles to keep up with other groups in basic chord progressions and vocal technique. I would recommend holding him back a year. C minus"

Michael Learns to Rock achieved fame in KTV parlours across Shanghai due to their 2004 ballad "Take Me to Your Tart". Partyworld announced performances of the song were flat over the weekend, especially when sung after drinking whisky and green tea.

Kenneth Greene, 42, a assistant marketing manager for IBM from Wichita, Kansas was mobbed by adoring fans at Pudong International Airport this morning. Greene, who has never been to China before, was visiting Shanghai for a sales conference and was rather perplexed by the welcome.

"Kenny G, Kenny G!" shouted the crowd. One man had brought a large inflatable saxophone, which he waved threateningly in Greene's direction.

The folically challenged Greene, who is no relation to popular jazz saxophonist Kenny G, dealt well with questions about his forthcoming studio album. However some people were left disappointed. "I expected him to have more hair" commented one 23 year old Lili Wang. "Still, at least he spared us by not playing Forever in Love".

A giant 392ft (120m) head of popular Shanghai blogger Wang Jian Shuo will top off the newest addition to the Shanghai skyline, according to plans announced on Friday.

"Wang Jian Shuo is single handedly responsible for helping out many Shanghai residents and visitors", announced Shanghai deputy assistant vice mayor Da Jinmao, "helping them find a job, book a hotel and get around the city. We thought it was about time the city paid him back, by building an enormous column in Pudong.



LED displays mounted on each of Wang Jian Shuo's eyebrows will broadcast his latest blog postings to any birds who happen to be flying past.

Comments on Wang Jian Shuo's blog were generally enthusiastic about the plan. "What a magnificent erection", one commenter proclaimed.

Local resident Ms. Wang expressed disappointment yesterday after the purchase of a box of Orion "Choco Pies":

"According to the commercial, Zhang
Dong-Jian should show up immediately in a pair of tight brown pants and take me for a bicycle ride. I know he's from Korea and everything, but if they couldn't get him even that Jerry guy from F4 would have been okay. But when I bought these, nothing."

She plans to write to the company for an explanation.

International superhero Spider-man climbed one of Asia's tallest buildings earlier, the 420.6m tall Jinmao tower.

A bite from an irradiated spider had previously given Spidey superpowers including the ability to cling to walls, superhuman strength, a sixth sense ("spider-sense").

However for the attempt the wallcrawling webslinger decided to dress up as a Frenchman, with a blue beret, striped jumper and string of onions around his neck, to the delight of onlookers. "I have always loved Superman" commented Wang, a local taxi driver.