Following on from the People's Bank of China's decision to deposit 50 billion yuan (US$7.3 billion) of government funds in commercial banks, 300m tall monster Shangzilla also made a large deposit in Shanghai banks on Monday morning.

A teller at the Huaihai Road branch of the Industrial and Commercial Bank of China (ICBC) described discovering an enormous deposit in the lobby of the bank. "It was brown, about five meters high and smelled faintly of xiaolongbao. I knew Shangzilla was behind it."

After a heavy night on Tongren Lu, Shangzilla had to relieve himself at several financial institutions, including the HSBC in Pudong. Mr Zhang, the branch manager said his staff members reported discovering a big turd in the VIP Banking area. "I was going to ask Edison Chen to leave, but then I realised what they meant".

The effects on the market are as yet unknown, however the lonely Shangzilla is hoping to receive a stimulus package on Tongren Lu.

In what some are calling the "the most brilliant business maneuver since financial firm Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy", DVD and video game retail chain Blockbuster has announced that over 1,000 retail outlets will be opened across Shanghai by fourth quarter 2009.

A recent interview with Blockbuster Inc. Director Carl Icahn reveals the motivation behind the expansion into China:

"The recent crash of worldwide banks has had a massive effect on the global economy. While the world is on the cusp of an economic recession, we feel that consumers will be conserving both money and financial resources, which will eventually lead to a rise in rental-based entertainment. We believe that this is the perfect opportunity for Blockbuster to penetrate the Asian sector of the market."

Icahn also supported his claims to provide rental-based entertainment services in China, by noting first-hand the success of current rental-based industries, such as by-the-hour massage parlors and KTV establishments.

In order to ensure customer acceptance, Blockbuster will contract local designers to mimic the store layout and decor with that of current competition. "Outdated posters, mismatched window curtains, secret compartments, kitchens, and back-alley entrances - our goal is to give the customer an authentic Blockbuster experience, without losing touch with the roots of Chinese retail media outlets." says one designer.

Blockbuster Inc's HR Director for China, Kandi Chao, has announced that the company is currently in the hiring process for various positions across all locations. "I'm currently scouting for overzealous customer service employees who are fluent in English idioms", she tells Shangzilla. Chao also mentioned that all employees must have experience in what she described as "locking customers in". Chao declined to further elaborate.

In order to battle current and future competition, Blockbuster will be opening two alternative outlets - "Blockbuster Express" DVD stands as well as wood-and-mortar stores under the name "EVEN BETTER THEN BLOCKBUSTER". The layout and inventory of these storefronts will parallel those of Blockbuster. An anonymous tipster recommended to Shangzilla that all "EVEN BETTER THEN BLOCKBUSTER" customers ask for a V.I.P. membership card, in order to receive a 1 kuai discount on all purchases.

A 24-hour outage of the popular Tencent QQ instant messenger system led to millions of hours of gained productivity in offices across Shanghai on Friday.

"I was amazed at how much work got done!", remarked David Chang, manager at advertising company FeelMedia. "Whenever I looked round the office, everyone had spreadsheets and Word documents open! It was so unusual!"

The Shanghai stock market reported brisk trade in the afternoon session, as traders were forced to spend time buying and selling shares, instead of sending each other jokes.

For some though, the stress was too much. By 4pm, secretary Paperclip Chen was getting panic attacks, after being unable to message her friends for a whole day. "I was hoping to get a new emoticon today", she sobbed.

Chinese authorities have just announced that the soon-to-be-completed Three Gorges Dam is actually just the power source for the next monstrously huge engineering project: the Ten Kilometer Cooler, a giant air conditioner which will cover approximately 80% of Shanghai.



Zhu Huobing, Deputy Director for Communications and Coolants, explained that the move is intended to help Shanghai take a firm step toward becoming the new financial center of Asia. "Think about it," he stated, "every major Asian city is ta-ma-de hot in the summer. To be able to turn the temperature down to, say, 25 is a distinct advantage."

The remote control alone will be 240 meters tall and will be featured in the Pudong skyline as part of the new "Control Economic Center".

Some political analysts see an even deeper motive in the overall plan. According to James Fallows, the Shanghai-connected technocrats in the Politiburo are getting tired of the frigid winters and sweltering summers in Beijing. "With the completion of the Cooler, they can make a strong case to just move the whole capital to Shanghai. Maybe then I can get a freaking visa."

The People's Bank of China has issued a new banknote with a denomination of 11 renminbi. The new note is designed to match the minimum fare on taxis in the city. Businessman Li Xiaoxia said he was delighted by the news. "At last I won't have to hunt around my wallet for that extra one kuai. This will really make my life easier."

Eight of the notes will make 88 kuai, a lucky number in Chinese culture, making the new bill ideal for paying the mai dan or as a gift.

The note will incorporate several innovative security features. On the reverse of the note Mao Zedong will be sitting in a holographic Dazhong taxi. Holding the note up to the light will cause a recorded sound to be played: "Wu qi, wu qi, wu qi qi qi! wo chi, wo chi, wo chi chi chi!"

China will make signficant investments in chocolate chip cookies as it seeks to diversify its foreign exchange reserves, according to a statement released on Wednesday.

Beijing sought to reassure the world financial markets following an announcement by Cheng Siwei, the vice chairman of the National People's Congress. Cheng said that China would consider switching some of its huge foreign exchange reserves away from dollars.

James Hughes, an analyst at CMC Markets in London commented "Mmmmmmmm, cookies".

Today the Chinese press released information regarding a possible virgin birth in Hubei Province. While no one has actually sighted the woman she is believed to have been sequestered until the birth can be broadcast live on the various CCTV broadcast stations. This move by God may be the first in an effort to establish a greater presence in the Middle Kingdom.

The Vatican has neither confirmed nor denied the Chinese claim. However a source close to the pope has confirmed that in an email from the Archangel Gabriel, God has been "considering more proactive options for expanding into emerging markets." The memo goes on to say that a move into China makes "perfect economic sense" because "expectations in commodities like miracles and divine interventions are low, thus the thermodynamic cost of providing these commodities can be kept low". While God's move into China is not unexpected it does leave speculation as to how previously established markets will fare given this recent development.

Analysts say that this move may be genius or madness. One possible downside may be the perception that God's commodities coming out of China are actually cheap knock-offs instead of the real deal. India, a regional rival, is already claiming that China's "alleged" virginal birth is really just a "cheap, rushed to market" copy of a virgin birth in Varanasi last year. However, this decision nearly doubles potential souls available to God and his various subsidiaries, not to mention the vast surplus of virgins for producing these types of births.

The move has also left many people wondering why China, normally not wanting to get into the Divine Being market, would suddenly embrace what is definitely a major reversal of policy. Sources say that the feeling is that this helps China present a more friendly face to the West as well as a solid strategy to counter-claims by religious and human rights organizations.

It's also great for business. Tours to see the virgin and child will be announced shortly after the birth, during Spring Festival of course, and a theme park near Wuhan is being planned. There are already factories producing burning bushes, "Diligently follow the 10 Commandments" tablets and crowns of thorns. The government has also facilitated a move to embrace God's desire by building the Communist Cathedral, to be the world's largest, by 2025.

The regular Chinese citizen seems to be taking it in their stride. As one area woman put it: "We already do Christmas better than the Westerners, it was about time we showed them that we can have virgin births too!"

Defiant shoppers in Shanghai notched up 5 billion RMB worth of counter-revolutionary purchases during October's Golden Week holiday. Rejecting the plain lifestyles of top communist officials they succumbed to such "capitalist roader" items as laptop computers, dishwashers and really big fridges.

In scenes reminiscent of the fall of the Berlin wall impatient bargain hunters crowded around the discounted items sections of countless department stores.

Many amongst the assembled spenders were quick to claim solidarity with the protestors in Myanmar (formerly Burma) such as Mr. Wu, 51 who said "They need flat screen televisions as much as we do".

Official policy in the Peoples Republic remains that of "to each according to his needs".

Shanghai computer engineer Li Chao has endured a week of teasing from his colleagues at Internet advertising company Pikopo.com this week, after he announced he now intended to be known as John Li. "What a ridiculous English name to choose!", giggled secretary Paperclip Chen. "He probably doesn't realise how silly it would sound to a foreigner", added marketing executive Haddock Liu.

According to HR manager Chimpanzee Zhang "At one time, only the very few Chinese who had contact with foreigners had English names. In recent years, more and more young Chinese are choosing to use an English name."

The ribbing continued in the company cafeteria, where the IT department were trying to outdo themselves recounting the names of former colleagues. "Xiao Li could have chosen worse", laughed Tampon Qin, "I used to have a friend called 'Colin'!"

Sun Microsystems, the well known computer software, hardware, and e-business solutions provider has decided to step into another niche of the Chinese market, Middle Autumn Festival's mooncakes. The
mooncake market in China yearly grosses at over $8 billion in sales.

That is to estimate, in China every person buys about 6 mooncakes at $1 a piece. People normally give them to each other as presents and eat them during the festive dinners and daily meals.

"To miss such an opportunity of capturing a market share and billions in profit would be a mistake," said Sun Microsystems spokesperson in Shanghai, Jeff Sunlight. Recent competitive involvements of IBM, SAP, as well as Chinese software companies have been eating Sun's lunch in e-business solutions in China.

"Intoduction of Suncakes™, will stabilize our profits in China and balance our losses in software market," added Sunlight.



Suncakes will come at reduced prices than their Chinese counterparts, due to the added marketing value.

US toy giant Haslow has recalled 80,000 of its Gee Gee Gee-up Tiny Toddlers Talking Rocking Horses after reports of a serious fault in the manufacturing process at a Chinese factory.

The toys, manufactured by the Jiading Jiayou Jiayou Manufacturing Company, are supposed to say phrases such as "Let's go for a ride", "I like it when you brush me" and "I'm a little pony".

Unfortunately a bug in the Chinese-English translation software used by the company led to the company mistakenly building a Mocking Horse rather than a Rocking Horse. The Mocking Horse reportedly tells riders "Who do you think you are, the ****ing Lone Ranger?", "Get off my back, Fatso" and "I can't believe you spent $89.99 on me at Walmart!"

A spokesman for Haslow said that consumers should return their mocking horses for a full refund.

US Trade Commissioner Keith de la Hoya issued a warning Tuesday that numerous lead products such as lead weights and lead-based paints, including those manufactured by Shanghai Shentin Engineering Company, had been found to contain high levels of lead.

"We have found lead in a number of products, including lead weights and lead-based paint" raged de la Hoya. "In one case, a 12 ounce lead weight contained a dozen ounces of lead!"

This is the latest of a series of scandals involving Chinese-made products in the US.