Shangzilla

F visas to be replaced by F-U visas

David — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 05:29:22 +0800

Businesspeople will no longer be able to apply for multiple-entry F visas, according to announcements from the Bureau of Public Security. Previously F visas entitled the holder to enter China multiple times during 6 months or more.

Jiang Yu, a spokeswoman for the Ministry of Foreign Affairs indicated that in the run-up to the eagerly anticipated Beijing Olympics, foreigners would have to apply for new F (Universal) or F-U visas.

Joerg Wutdehell, president of the EU Chamber of Commerce in China called the new restrictions 'very very annoying'. 'When one of our members tried to apply for an F visa, he was told "f--- you!"'

Freelance writers and journalist will also need to apply for a new specialized visa, the F (Official). Reporters who wish to be in China during the Games will be told to F-OFF.

David is Shangzilla's visa correspondent

US news network: "We're not biased, we're ignorant"

MF — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 02:33:26 +0800

After a growing outcry by Chinese netizens over inaccurate reporting, a spokesman for US news network DNN issued a statement Tuesday denying their mistakes were caused by bias.

"Our mislabeling of photos was simply caused by the fact that we, as Americans, don't know what's going on. Many of our present employees attended high school during the Bush administration. They're lucky they can even find the United States on a map."

An editor who supplied a misleading caption justified himself, saying, "I mean, those pictures were taken in a foreign country. There are lots of foreign countries, like France, and India, and Puerto Rico. I get them all mixed up." When asked about the picture taken in Nepal that was captioned as being in China, he scoffed. "Nepal isn’t a real country. It's made up, like Kazakhstan, for that Borat movie."

"While it's easy to suspect that prejudice colored media coverage, there is plenty of evidence to support ineptitude claims," noted Hong Kong Media University professor W. S. Law. "Just look at last month's article from the culture section, "Hitler's film Modern Times, a classic for the ages.'"

MF is Shangzilla's breaking news correspondent

Shanghai to boycott Beijing Olympics

Paul — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 01:42:55 +0800

Disappointed that no foreign countries have boycotted the Beijing Olympics, Shanghai mayor Han Zheng has announced that Shanghai is to boycott the Games of the XXIX Olympiad. "This is not a matter of rivalry between Shanghai and Beijing" Han clarified, "although clearly the 2010 World Expo in Shanghai is a far more significant event than some silly Greek sports festival".

The Olympic flame will be passing through Shanghai on May 20th this year. Shanghainese will be equipped with water guns to aim at the torch as it travels through the city. Shanghai taxi driver Mr Hu, 32, said "Olympics? What Olympics?"

Paul is Shangzilla's sports correspondent

Shangzilla is on holiday

Shangzilla — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 23:20:42 +0800

Shangzilla is taking a break for a few months. Look out for new articles later this year!

Haibao and Yingying in mascot sex romp

Roberta — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 04:19:41 +0800

Beijing Olympic mascot Yingying and Shanghai Expo mascot Haibao are the latest celebrities to be involved in a sex scandal. According to our sources, Yingying has been neglecting her mascot duties with the other four Fuwa in order to get down and dirty with big blue boy Haibao.

An ayi at the Olympic Hotel in Beijing spotted Haibao entering Yingying's room at midnight last Thursday. On pressing her ear to the door, she heard Yingying screaming "Faster! higher! stronger! ... Right there! Harder! Deeper!"

When questioned about what she was doing with Haibao, Yingying giggled behind her hands, before running a 42.195km marathon, grabbing her sabre, and doing some Greco-Roman wrestling.

Haibao, who commentators have described as looking "like some kind of demented blue condom" has been in hiding in Boston since the reported incident. It is rumoured that Yingying's jealous fellow mascot Jingjing, who has mafia connections, has been looking for him.

Roberta is Shangzilla's sports correspondent

Annoying kid from chicken bouillon advert smacked into next week

MF — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 04:08:01 +0800

The bratty kid who will not eat his grandmother's cooking because it makes his "KOU GAN!!!" - as featured on the Tai Tai Le Granulated Chicken Bouillon - has finally been smacked into next week. Neighbors who wish to remain anonymous report that Ye Nainai finally got so fed up with the ungrateful little emperor that she gave him a whack so hard it could be heard in the neighborhood management office. "We don't condone violence against children here," said another local granny, "but that boy was unbearable."

Upon landing, he will be joining the other horrible kid from the Dr. Bai Whitening Cream commercial, who sings that his spotty mother is unbearable to look at. He will also be receiving speech therapy that will teach him how to say "hao chi!" with proper Mandarin pronunciation.

MF is Shangzilla's chicken bouillon correspondent

Naked Edison Chen photos unrelated to latest Shangzilla article

Dan — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 20:00:00 +0800

Shangzilla editor Dan Wasburnt's latest article for popular website Shangzilla.com has nothing to do with naked photos of Edison Chen.

Washburnt noted however, that the article Net awash with naked pictures of Edison Chen and you was currently topping the most popular articles this month. Even shameless ripoffs of Shangzilla.com are filled with stories about Edison Chen.

"Since internet users are searching frequently for "Edison Chen photos" and "Edison Chen taking naked pictures" and "Edison Chen latest sex scandal pictures", commented Wasburnt, "I decided to mention Edison Chen as many times as I could in the article to ensure my article came first in Google, whenever anyone searched for Edison Chen"

"I might also mention other Hong Kong stars like Gillian Chung, Bobo Chan, and Cecilia Cheung, who are also unrelated to my article. But closely related to Edison Chen", Wasburnt continued.

Wasburnt, whose hairstyle has rarely been compared to Edison Chen, once came last in an Edison Chen lookalike contest.

Wasburnt's next article, also about golf, is entitled "Latest pics in Edison Chen sex scandal".

Dan is Shangzilla's god-king

Air China flight departs on time, leaves passengers stranded

Stephen — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 07:15:38 +0800

Approximately 50 passengers were stranded at Shanghai's Pudong International airport (PVG) on Thursday after an Air China flight to Shenzhen left the runway at its scheduled departure time.

Mass confusion took place while Air China staff tried their best to calm the upset crowd by providing tea and snacks.

One visibly upset passenger, Mr. Zhang, commented "This is outrageous! I take several business trips a month and I have never seen an Air China flight without a delay of at least 30 minutes. How can they do this and not expect passengers to be upset? It's crazy!".

Several customers demanded compensation. Another passenger, Ms. Qian, commented "If Air China wants to treat its customers like this, my family and I will take our business elsewhere." Air China declined to comment.

Stephen is Shangzilla's transportation correspondent

Net awash with naked pictures of Edison Chen and you

MF — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 04:05:00 +0800

Those naked pictures you let Edison Chen take of you with his webcam were released to several web sites Saturday. They include several nude shots, one where you are giving oral pleasure, those ones with the lacy tights, and the one you forgot about where you were wearing a police uniform.

As the scandal continues to unfold, Chen recently released a statement to YouTube in which he did not apologize for taking naked pictures of you. He did not apologize for storing them on his computer where they could be downloaded by any third party who gained access to the machine. He also did not apologize for taking his computer to a random repair shop to be fixed, thereby giving total strangers access to photos of you and other people. However, he did apologize to anyone whose feelings had been hurt by the photos' exposure.

The photos can now be found on several forums, including those on Tianji.com and Baido.com. They are next to pictures of Edison Chen with Regina Ip, Nina Wang and your mom.

MF is Shangzilla's celebrity correspondent

Was Dan Wasburnt burnt in firework down pants incident?

Ken — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 07:27:26 +0800

Shangzilla editor Dan Wasburnt had to make a trip to the Huashan hospital after having a firecracker explode in his pants on Chinese New Year's Eve.

Upon arriving at the hospital, Wasburnt showed his ID and told the paramedics "I was burnt!" They replied "We can see that, but what's the problem?"

Sub-editor Kenneth Tangent, writing about the incident, said it was a terrible struggle not to use a number of humorous firework related puns in the article. "This really was a cracker of a story", Tangent commented, "it was almost irresistible to write that Dan's evening had gone with a bang!"

Ken is Shangzilla's fireworks correspondent

Thwarted again, the Nian considers break with tradition

Nicholas — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 07:27:06 +0800

Despite having an entire year to prepare, the monster 年 (Nian) posted yet another disappointing round of failed attacks on numerous Chinese human settlements last Tueday.

"I trained hard and studied my enemy," Nian commented. "But, in the end, they were ready for me with fireworks, red banners, and lanterns. Man, I hate that stuff, and they know it."

Editor's note: According to tradition, every New Year's Eve, the Nian comes out to devour people and animals. However, on New Year’s Eve 除夕(chuxi), Chinese people put couplets written on red paper up on their gate, hang red lanterns across gate beams, set off fireworks and stay up all night. Since the monster hates the color red, bright lights and firecrackers, he is driven away for another year.

Nian's string of many thousand failures has forced him to re-think his strategy. "I've always been convinced that the night before the Lunar New Year in China was really the ideal attack plan," he insisted. "But you know, maybe I need to switch it up, try something new... god, I haven’t had a bite to eat in ages."

So far, Nian is being secretive about his plans, but an unnamed close associate reports that he's considering attacks on a "plump and juicy" Western hemisphere country sometime in early July.

Nicholas is Shangzilla's monster correspondent

Chinese rats celebrate Year of the Human

Matt — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 22:58:19 +0800

160 million Shanghai rats celebrated the arrival of the Year of the Human last night, with rats in party hats enjoying the fireworks across the city. Rats celebrated by scurrying around, drinking baijiu and spreading bubonic plague. There was a particularly large concentration of rats in City Diner's kitchen.

Rats born in the Year of the Human are known for their intelligence, imagination, and regular destruction of the natural environment and each other.

For many rats there would be little to celebrate this year though, with the worse weather in a generation freezing sewer systems and preventing rats from visiting their relatives in other provinces.

Matt is Shangzilla's vermin correspondent

一英籍男子在上海遭受冷遇

Jing — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 23:34:19 +0800

本报讯，昨日上午一英国籍男子马田拨打本社新闻热线，希望将其亲身遭遇公诸于众。

据马先生口述，有次他迷路希望求助于路人，当他刚说到：“我可以问你吗？”该女子就回了句：“流氓”，转身离开，留下马先生一个人非常无助。在饺子店他客气地问服务员，“我要水饺，多少钱一碗？”，又一次遭遇了服务员的白眼。

马先生希望借助本报的力量呼吁全社会要善待外国客人，尤其是普通话不那么标准的。

本报记者王静随后与马田汉语老师取得联系。经过调查，“问”和“吻”发音相同，只差声调的区别；“水饺”和“睡觉”也相似；而“碗”和“晚”则完全一样。马先生恍然大悟，并表示决心一定要学好汉语声调。

王静，驻墨尔本汉语声调记者

Jing is Shangzilla's tonal correspondent

Shanghai to halve residents on street in preparation for Chinese New Year

Nicholas — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 03:26:24 +0800

Responding to growing concern about traffic, pollution, and sanitation in Shanghai during the Chinese New Year holiday, city officials have announced a plan to ban half of the city's residents from leaving their homes every other day.

The plan calls for all residents with surnames Wang, Li, Zhang, Liu, Chen, Yang, Huang, Zhao, Zhou, and Wu to stay inside their homes on even days of the month and all other residents to stay inside on odd days during the new year holiday.

“Many visitors will come to Shanghai for the first time during the New Year holiday," explained Wu Jianghua, official spokesperson of the Shanghai Human Circulation Harmony Planning Department. "We don't want them to have the impression that Shanghai is a dirty, overcrowded, exhausting place. We want them to be able to enjoy the city in a more natural state and leave with a positive impression."

In preparation, he continued, "residents are encouraged to stock up on essentials such as rice, water, cooking oil, and DVD box sets."

Nicholas is Shangzilla's urban planning correspondent

"Tom Cruise English" to go on sale

MF — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 03:12:10 +0800

Jiaolong University Press announced that its latest book, "Tom Cruise English", will go on sale nationwide Thursday.

"We thought Crazy English is so popular, and this is just another kind of crazy English!" explained Wang Badan, JUP's marketing head.

Lessons are based on Cruise's past interviews, as well as on the video currently making the rounds on the Internet. The first lesson is entitled "A ha ha ha ha!" covering the basics of Cruise's disturbing laugh. Subsequent lessons, based on the recent interview, teach students valuable oral English like, "You've got the power! And you know it's up to you, because, BAM! A ha ha ha ha!"

When questioned closely, Wang Badan admitted that Jiaolong University is not a real university, much like how Scientology is not a real religion.

MF is Shangzilla's education correspondent

China soccer team to switch to Oceania Football Confederation

Mark — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 11:45:11 +0800

In 2006, the Australian national soccer team moved from the Oceania Football Confederation (OFC) to the Asian Football Confederation (AFC) as they hoped the higher quality of the Asian game would improve the standard of their players.

Now the Chinese soccer team is set to do the reverse, seeking a lower quality of football in the Southern Hemisphere. Xie Yalong, the president of the Football Association of the People's Republic of China said "We know that the Chinese football team is something of a joke at the moment. We hope that by playing teams such as the Cook Islands and Kiribati, we may have a better chance than when playing footballing giants such as Uzbekistan."

Mark is Shangzilla's sports correspondent

Week around the -zillas

Ashok — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 04:51:31 +0800

Shangzilla's not the only monster terrorising his local metropolis. His cousins around the world have been up to their usual antics this week:

* LAzilla was worried about being typecast after getting yet another part in a tired old monster movie franchise
* Gothamzilla went for a quiet night on the town on the Brooklyn Bridge but was shot at by anti-terrorism police.
* Torontozilla said "eh"
* Londonzilla decided to enter the mayoral contest as she thought both of the main candidates were pretty forgettable
* Shangzilla was finding the air smelled of cigarettes
* SFzilla created a Web 2.0 mashup widget RSS generator on Rails
* Phillyzilla had a bad experience when trying to order his cheesesteak in Spanish, so ate Joey Vento.
* Seattlezilla sat in Starbucks for most of the day playing with his new iPod Nanosaurus.

Ashok is Shangzilla's webmaster

"English First" tutor sick and tired of being tied to student with rope

Matt — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 04:12:27 +0800

You may have seen the posters for the "English First" language school in taxis and metro stations. Some have laughed at the cheesy images of tutors tied to students with rope, a clumsy metaphor for the one-on-one mentoring that English First tutors promise to provide.

For expatriate Benjamin Watson, it's no laughing matter. Watson was first tied to student Zhang Wenjun in 2005 for a photoshoot. Failing to read the small print of his contract, he didn't realise that he was expected to remain tied to Miss Zhang for the next five years. "It's becoming really inconvenient" said Watson, "our arms are tied together at all times, which makes eating difficult. My tennis has really gone downhill in the last few years".

Zhang is also having second thoughts about the arrangement. "While my English has got better and better, my boyfriend is not happy about me being tied to Mr Watson all the time".

Shangzilla attempted to call the English First hotline to get the official company line, but all their operators were tied up.

Matt is Shangzilla's ropey correspondent

Chinese poet Li Bai "was a laowai"

Lilian — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 05:26:50 +0800

Controversial new research from researchers at Shanghai Abnormal University has suggested that Li Bai, one of the greatest poets in China's history, was a foreigner who spent much of his life bumming around China to avoid going back home to pay his student loan. Fan Yangbing, who led the research, said the evidence was difficult to ignore.

The cultural faux pas: "Once, Li Bai was drunk and asked Gao Lishi, the most powerful eunuch in the palace, to take off his boots in front of the emperor."

The excess consumption of alcohol: "Li Bai had a great love for liquor."

Putting off getting a proper job: "Though he expressed the wish to become an official, he could not be bothered to sit for the Chinese civil service examination."

Having one too many at Bar Rouge: "he is said to have drowned in the Yangtze River, having fallen from his boat while drunkenly trying to embrace the reflection of the moon."

Moreover, new textual analysis suggests that Li Bai may have ripped off the poems which so fascinated the aristocrats of 8th century China from Britney Spears songs.

花間一壺酒。 Tell me baby cuz I need to know now, oh because
獨酌無相親。 My loneliness is killin me (and I)
舉杯邀明月。 I must confess I still believe (still believe)
對影成三人。 When Im not with you I lose my mind
月既不解飲。 Give me a sign, hit me baby one more time!

Lilian is Shangzilla's poetry correspondent

Shanghai air pollution index raised from "Marlboro Lights" to "Silk Cut"

Matt — Sat, 12 Jan 2008 21:09:05 +0800

The city's environment department announced on Saturday that the air pollution index in the city had reached "Silk Cut" level, higher than the previous "Marlboro Lights". The Bureau of Environment Statistics took the unusual step of measuring air pollution via comparisons to cigarette brands after Shanghai's air pollution levels "fell off the scale" of more conventional systems.

Mr Li, the bureau chief, explained: "The elevation of the warning scale to 'Silk Cut' indicates that a ten minute walk in central Puxi now has the same effect on your lungs as smoking a pack of 'Silk Cut' cigarettes. We are confident that the air quality measures we are introducing will prevent us reaching 'Benson and Hedges' levels during 2008.

The tobacco firms could not be reached for comment, though they are thought to be unhappy at the competition in China's emerging market. "After all," commented one industry insider to Shangzilla, "if the Chinese can damage their lungs just by going about their everyday business, why do they need to take up smoking?"

Matt is Shangzilla's environment correspondent

Novelty hat cements Han Zheng's position as Shanghai mayor

Mary-Kate — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 18:44:29 +0800

Shanghai mayor, Han Zheng (韩正) looks set to keep his job after donning a large yellow "hammer and sickle" novelty hat at a recent charity event.

Beijing believes that Han is 'a good comrade' and 'can continue to do a good job in Shanghai', new Shanghai Party chief Yu Zhengsheng was quoted as telling a recent meeting of senior city officials.

'More importantly, he also had the coolest hat at the end-of-year charity disco', Yu added.

Mary-Kate is Shangzilla's fashion correspondent

Advertising agency finally finds a use for rejected toothpaste mascot

Jim — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 04:36:38 +0800

Shao Longtu, 102, CEO of the Jiumuchuansheng advertising company, was delighted to finally find a use for some rejected sketches of a mascot for Colgate toothpaste. "We had one of our interns working on the Colgate account", Shao explained, "and he came up with the idea of a big splodge-like creature called Cavit-T, who sang a song about gum disease. Unfortunately Colgate's marketing department thought the mascot looked too much like a genital worm, and the campaign was shelved".

The drawings have been sitting in a drawer for the last six months, until the Shanghai World Expo marketing department paid a visit. "We thought we'd show them a few sketches so they knew what kind of things to avoid - but everyone really took to Cavit-T. In ten minutes we'd given him a new name, and knocked up a story about blue representing water, sea, the Earth, life, dreams, the future and technology. And indeed blueberry muffins.

Presenting the Shanghai Expo mascot: ~~Cavit-T~~ Haibao!

Jim is Shangzilla's advertising correspondent

Shangzilla is hibernating

Matt — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 11:39:07 +0800

Matt is Shangzilla's festive correspondent

Muslim, Hindu colleagues have great time at office Christmas party

MF — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 12:46:07 +0800

Expatriate Walter Stevenson of Leeds, England continued to sulk Friday night as his non-Christian co-workers whooped it up at the annual office Christmas party, held in the posh Royal Equatorial Hotel, Pudong. "Jesus is the reason for the season," he said petulantly, crossing his arms across his chest.

Meanwhile, co-worker Anmar Ali said, "I love the holiday season, with all its festive lights and spirit of giving. It's a time for people to love one another and think of the less fortunate."

"I'm having a great time tonight," he added. "I got a nice gift from my secret Santa, and – ooh – Robbie Williams on karaoke! Gotta go!"

Stevenson elaborated his position, pointing to a man with a turban hovering by the punch bowl and a woman in a sari eating a canapé. "Christmas is a celebration of the birth of our Lord and Savior. People who don't believe in him have no right to have fun."

When asked for comment, co-worker Jason Schwartz, holding a full plastic cup in his hand, said, "Woooo!"

MF is Shangzilla's party correspondent

Well bugger me! English lessons offer profanity insanity

Mark — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 10:44:54 +0800

Shanghai mother-of-one Mrs Fang was shocked to hear her son use a colorful English phrase at breakfast on Tuesday. "When I told Xiao Fang to brush his teeth before going to school, he shouted a dirty word at me! I couldn't imagine where he could have learnt that word, the little f-cker."

A recent report by the Shanghai Culture and Ethics Committee turned the spotlight on a number of popular English clubs which have been reportedly been teaching their students to curse. The "Walk Da Talk Da Walk" television show, a regular staple of the advertising screens in metro stations, used language including "mingebuckets" and "Boutros Boutros-Ghali" in a recent episode.

Demi-god and electronic dictionary salesman Da Shan was also rapped in the report after using the phrase "fo shizzle ma nizzle" on CCTV earlier this year. Word.

Mark is Shangzilla's culture correspondent

Golden cats with magic flapping arms "set to power Shanghai"

Olga — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 10:21:20 +0800

Scientists at Shanghai Jiaotong University have discovered that the popular golden cats known as Maneki Neko could provide an environmentally-friendly solution to the city's power supplies problems. The beckoning golden cats can be seen in many shop windows and houses around the city, and are reputed to bring wealth to their owners.

Charlie Coloumb, who is leading the international team at Jiaotong University, explained to our reporter that the magic flapping arm of the cats could be used to generate electricity. "We are unsure exactly how the cats manage to keep their arms flapping up and down, up and down, 24 hour a day: but when we observed this, we were confident we could harness the motion as a power source."

The scientists hope to create a network of up to 10,000 Maneki Neko cats to power the city. An enormous cat is also under construction in Minhang District, and is expected to be completed before the 2010 World Expo.

Olga is Shangzilla's environment correspondent

Have a whine, win a Uruguay potato vine

Shangzilla — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 08:43:00 +0800

On second thoughts, since the rhyming dictionary didn't come up with anything better, write an article for Shangzilla in December and you could win a delicious Christmas pudding, specially imported from the UK.

Congratulations to Nicholas who won last month's bottle of wine for his article.

For an explanation of how to send us your article, see the write for us page.

Anhui ayis to promote tourism via sock sculptures

Paul — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 05:33:40 +0800

The Anhui Province Tourism Development Board has announced a plan to use the 20,000 ayis from the province working in Shanghai in an innovative guerilla marketing campaign. "We discovered many of our foreign friends in Shanghai didn't know anything about Anhui except that their ayis came from the province" commented Tang Xiaoxia, the provincial tourism head.

Ayis will be encouraged to promote the province's scenic spots, including Jiuhua Mountain and the Ming Emperor Tombs. Many foreign residents returned to their homes on Tuesday to discover impressive replicas of various Anhui sights. "My ayi had constructed a full-size replica of the Xuguo Arch Gate in Yixian using my socks", commented Max Wycliffe, a British translator living in Jing'an District. Dedicated Xiao Hong, an Ayi from Anhui who works in the Hongkou Area, used the discarded pizza boxes in the house of Shane Hayes, an Australian expatriate, to reconstruct the Ruins of Zhongdu near Fengyang.

Paul is Shangzilla's tourism correspondent

Single monster WLTM playmate

Nicholas — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 06:48:27 +0800

I'm a monster of Reptilian ancestry, in my 300s, ~185m tall and 2350kg, green scaly skin and glowing red eyes. Looking for that special beast for some fun times and maybe more.

It's easy to feel alone in this city, surrounded by millions of humans you can't relate to, wanting to just be yourself, but always feeling the stereotypes that others attach to you. Is there a monster out there who can provide some companionship and a little fun, who can really understand me?

My idea of a perfect first date would start with a walk on both banks of the Huangpu, followed by a climb up the Pearl Tower. Later we'd hit Hongkou for some low-key concrete walkup stomping. I can see us finishing up the night with a snack at the well-populated Xujiahui intersection.

If this sounds good to you, hit me up by telepathy, writing smoke in the sky, or a newsworthy catastrophe. Hope to hear from you soon!

Nicholas is Shangzilla's lonely hearts correspondent

Shanghai named as Asia's gayest city

Bobi — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 06:04:47 +0800

Shanghai has been named as Asia's gayest city, according to an info-graphic prepared by Shangzilla intern Bobi Chan.

"Lots of consulting companies bring out dubiously researched surveys naming Shanghai as the 14th most expensive city to live in, or the 3rd most polluted" commented the enthusiastic Chen. "I also don't have any real data, but I did make a cool-looking graphic to back up my story! I also found some cool clipart to illustrate it!"

Chen, who lists "familiarity with Word and Excel software" amongst the many skills on her CV, says she has no plans to come out, although she is planning on visiting Tashkent.

Bobi is Shangzilla's intern

Dan Wasburnt loses Dan Wasburnt impersonator contest

Benjamin — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 05:28:17 +0800

Shangzilla editor-in-chief Dan Wasburnt was disappointed to lose in a Dan Wasburnt impersonation contest held in Shanghai this weekend. Although Wasburnt excelled in the "writing articles for the Economist" round, penning an article entitled "Indonesia: at a crossroads", he lost out in the crucial swimsuit round to the editor of a rival, inferior, publication.

Wasburnt's colleague Kenneth Tangent said that Wasburnt was downcast after the contest. "As the real Dan Wasburnt, he was really hoping for a top-three finish. Maybe he should stick to Elvis contests."

Benjamin is Shangzilla's impersonation correspondent

Extra! Extra! Buy nothing day, brawls and Barbarougeabonbon

Matt — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 10:14:48 +0800

Doctors at Huashan hospital reported a large number of additional patients with stress-related ailments during Saturday's Buy Nothing Day. The stress of not going shopping for a entire day caused mental anguish for many Shanghai residents.

City Diner is to hold a regular "Fight Night" after the chair-throwing success of the first, unofficial, event. Tickets will be on sale from Tuesday, price 120RMB.

Finally, news that three of Shanghai's top nightspots: Barbarossa, Bar Rouge and BonBon are to merge to form a new superclub, with the working title Barbarougeabonbon.

Matt is Shangzilla's on the streets correspondent

Paris Hilton speaks "perfect Mandarin", taxi driver reports

Mary-Kate — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 07:53:36 +0800

Taxi driver Hu Wei has been working the streets of Shanghai for five years. On Friday evening he picked up his most famous passenger to date, Paris Hilton.

Hilton, in town for the MTV Music Awards on Saturday, slipped away from her bodyguards and boarded the blue Dazhong taxi near Lujiazui. Hu said at first he did not recognise the superstar, as she was wearing underwear.

"To my surprise, she spoke perfect Mandarin" noted Hu, "I had heard she was a brainless bimbo, but we had a long conversation about Confucius and the poems of Li Bai and Du Fu. She really nailed the tones, unlike that Da Shan I had in the back of my cab last week. He had to look up every other Chinese word in a little electronic dictionary!"

Mary-Kate is Shangzilla's celebrity correspondent

Rude awakening for "Kareoke King"

Matt — Thu, 22 Nov 2007 09:59:18 +0800

Shanghai resident and British expatriate Gary Bryant had to suffer more than a bruised ego after a disastrous attempt to sing karaoke in a London bar.

Bryant, 28, has spent the last year living in Shanghai, where he is a regular visitor to the Partyworld KTV on Wulumuqi Lu. Bryant's friends in Shanghai were quick to praise his drunken renditions of "Hotel California" and "Take me to your heart". Over time, Bryant began to believe the compliments about his signing voice were genuine, and began to refer to himself at work as the "Kareoke King". On returning to the UK for his Christmas break, Bryant decided to attend a karaoke evening at a Central London bar.

The reception at the open-mike evening in Henry's Bar and Grill in London's fashionable Soho district was less generous. "Get off the stage you fat bastard, you can't sing" was among the more printable of the heckles.

"Who the **** are Michael Learns To Rock?" bouncer Dave Smith was heard to remark whilst throwing a sobbing Bryant into a back alleyway.

Matt is Shangzilla's entertainment correspondent

Resolutely create your own socialist banner!

MF — Sat, 17 Nov 2007 01:58:58 +0800

You need to view this article online to see the interactive content

MF is Shangzilla's propaganda correspondent

Bright shining orb in Shanghai sky is actually the Sun

Paul — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 05:31:22 +0800

Shanghai schoolboy Ye Wang reacted with dismay on Tuesday morning after spotting a terrifying yellow-white shining object in the sky from his bedroom window. Ye's father Lao Wang and grandfather Zhende Lao Wang spent several hours discussing the bizarre phenomenon, before deciding it must be the Sun. Ye's grandfather remembered this legendary object which used to be seen in the sky during his childhood, long before Shanghai was covered in a layer of year-round smog.

Q. Does the sun ever come out in Shanghai?
A. I don't know, I'm only 7 years old.

Paul is Shangzilla's unexplained phenomena correspondent

Have a whine, win some wine

Matt — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 09:55:29 +0800

Living in Shanghai can be stressful. Get it off your chest and do something creative by writing for Shangzilla, Shanghai's finest news source. See the write for us page for details of how to send us your article.

Anyone who writes an article between now and the end of November will be entered in a draw to win a bottle of wine, specifically 2006 Chardonnay Chenin Blanc (product of Argentina). It's better than Great Wall, we promise.

Send your articles on any aspect of Shanghai life to contact@shangzilla.com, because you're bound to be funnier than us.

Shanghai-Hangzhou maglev train to use giant cats

Hamid — Sat, 10 Nov 2007 18:00:19 +0800

A magnetic levitation railway between Shanghai and Hangzhou will see giant cats replacing trains in an attempt to cut costs. The maglev project has been in the works for a decade, with an estimated price tag of 35 billion RMB, but was shelved earlier this year after environmental and cost concerns.

It is thought that using 15-tonne genetically modified cats is likely to ease the fears of environmental protestors, while also reducing the cost to a whisker under 20 billion RMB.

The first cat, nicknamed Chairman Miao, is likely to begin operation in 2011.

©上海杭州大猫磁浮交通发展有限公司 (image copyright Shanghai-Hangzhou Large Feline Maglev Transportation Development Co., Ltd.)

Hamid is Shangzilla's transportation correspondent

China to reduce US dollar reserves, buy cookies

David — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 22:15:58 +0800

China will make signficant investments in chocolate chip cookies as it seeks to diversify its foreign exchange reserves, according to a statement released on Wednesday.

Beijing sought to reassure the world financial markets following an announcement by Cheng Siwei, the vice chairman of the National People's Congress. Cheng said that China would consider switching some of its huge foreign exchange reserves away from dollars.

James Hughes, an analyst at CMC Markets in London commented "Mmmmmmmm, cookies".

David is Shangzilla's economics correspondent

Shangzilla caused my booze hell

Johnie — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 22:02:14 +0800

Unable to deal with the effects of sudden fame, first-time Shangzilla contributor Jonathan Walker descended into a personal hell of booze, personal demons and social withdrawal.

Johnie's experience was practically instantaneous. "It's quite a high for a few minutes" said Johnie, speaking from underneath a sleeping bag in his flat, "but after that, you look in the fridge for a beer and say 'what's the point' ".

"The worst thing was dealing with the effects of sudden fame" Johnie continued. "When I told Jeff about my success, he was quite interested, but then a few days later he was pestering me again to find out which article I actually wrote".

"...I smell paparazzi..."

"Either that, or he's after some weird fantasy with the writer, where we get married in Africa or something"

Johnie normally works with computers, and has limited interaction with society.

Returning expat's gifts all bought for 8 kuai

Matt — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 10:19:16 +0800

British expatriate Henry Levins, 32, returned to his hometown of Colchester, England for a visit last week, delighting friends and relatives with a selection of cheap Chinese souvenirs. "I got this lovely silk scarf", exclaimed Levin's mother Janet; "Henry must have gone to so much trouble!"

The scarf, much like the chopsticks Levin bought for drinking buddy David Hatton, cost just 8 RMB (1 US dollar) at the Yu Garden last Monday. Levins, who earns around 70,000RMB a month at a international bank, haggled the price down from 10RMB after a enthusiastic bargaining session. After gathering all his presents in a ten-minute shopping spree, he set off to catch his flight.

Levins has been conducting a long-distance relationship with girlfriend Amanda Eaton, 28. She was also overwhelmed with her necklace engraved with the Chinese characters for "love". Unfortunately due to a miscommunication, the 8RMB piece is actually engraved with the characters for "sweet and sour pork".

The banker says that his friends loved "all of that Chinese shit".

Matt is Shangzilla's shopping correspondent

Editor cobbles together another article with gratuitous nudity

Dan — Sat, 03 Nov 2007 17:11:26 +0800

Dan Wasburnt, 108, the playboy owner of popular Shanghai satirical blog Shangzilla awoke on Saturday morning with a terrible hangover after a heavy night at Bar Rouge. After enjoying one too many champagne cocktails, the thought of penning a long, serious article was too much to handle so Wasburnt decided to go with the old standby of tasteful nudity.

"She's, like, famous or something. Maybe she has an aunt from Shanghai" reasoned Wasburnt.

Memory Booster Boosts Profits

Tipsy — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 17:57:37 +0800

Shanghai based language pharma-school MandarinPill has announced record profits of 173 million RMB in the 3rd quarter following the launch of its Laowaicide line of tablets and suppositories.

The company claims that if taken hourly the drug allows a patient to absorb the Chinese language effortlessly at a rate 100 to 1000 times faster than with conventional learning based techniques. Moreover they state that this has been confirmed in over a dozen peer reviewed scientific studies.

Since its launch in April Laowaicide, which contains proven carcinogens, has become wildly popular within China's expat community, many of whom had previously spent months or years trying to grasp the vocabulary, tones and written characters of Chinese with no discernible results.

Some controversy has surrounded the reported side effects of the drug, which include nausea, hallucinations, leprosy and death. Nonetheless most users remain nonchalant about the risks - "Hey, this is China, you're risking your life just leaving the house! ... or even not ... a friend of mine went into a coma watching CCTV9" said Jing'An resident Mike Evans, 32, from Ohio, USA.

Early clinical trialists are not thought to have included Da Shan.

Others sounded a note of caution. Lucy Ashworth, 26, from Nottingham, UK says that while she is relieved at the hours of intense study and painful effort saved by taking the strange tasting pills, she has been worried by the sudden hair loss which started shortly after she began the treatment - "I can speak and read Chinese fluently now, but why couldn't I have done that as a blonde?".

But many users are quick to defend the product from its detractors. Speaking from his hospital bed Andrew Wilson, also from the UK, had nothing but praise for the drug, which has left him paralysed from the waist down - "It has improved my life immeasurably. Obviously I'll miss the use of my legs, but there is no country in the world more friendly to wheelchair users than China, so I think I'll be fine" he said, in Shanghainese dialect.

Analysts suggest that the products future is promising but not secure, due to legal challenges such as that launched in New Zealand last month after a local man acquired proficient Mandarin but was left speaking English in an Australian accent.

Tipsy is Shangzilla's health correspondent

Applicants for US visa must now jump through actual hoops

Benjamin — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 17:57:34 +0800

The US Consulate in Shanghai has announced that Chinese nationals wishing to apply for a US visa must now jump through a series of real metal hoops.

Consular officer Brad Fitzpatrick explained: "It has long been the case that applying for a visa to the United States requires jumping through numerous hoops: paying a fee, providing fingerprints, providing proof of employment. Financial documents, health documents, character checks...".

"We have decided to formalise this process by using a series of 24 inch stainless steel hoops.
Applicants will have to jump through the flaming hoops placed 3 feet above the ground. We are sure this will not make the application process any more arbitrary than it is at present."

Benjamin is Shangzilla's foreign affairs correspondent

Computer virus turns images upside down

Ashok — Sun, 28 Oct 2007 11:09:20 +0800

The W32/Ebillug computer virus is rapidly spreading in China, according to Internet security firm Symmetric. The virus

- Sends itself by email
- Searches for open network shares
- Attempts to copy itself to unpatched or already vulnerable Microsoft IIS web servers
- Is a virus infecting both local files and files on remote network shares.
- Eats your mooncakes
- Is in your base, killing your doodz

The virus causes images on web-pages to appear upside-down. Here's an example from the Baidu search engine:

If you see any images on this site or others which appear to be upside down, you may have been infected by the virus. Anti-virus companies are working quickly to bring out new anti-virus definitions to fix the problem. Until these patches are available, anti-virus experts recommend turning your monitor upside down. If this is not possible, stand on your head.

Ashok is Shangzilla's webmaster

Conversations with Shanghai

Nicholas — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 11:20:27 +0800

Come here, Shanghai. Sit down. We need to talk.

Look, this is hard for me to say, because I care so much about you, but... you've changed. You're not the same as you used to be. The glitzy nights, the endless opening parties... the camera crews, for God's sake! Do we need all that to have a nice time together?

Sure, I'm not the dashing lad I used to be, but I'd like to think I've kept some of my original rapscallion charm. And I've learned to appreciate the spectrum of experiences there are to be had in this world.

Sometimes a dive bar is fun -- but it seems like you'd like to forget that part of you ever existed. And don't call those Potemkin nights on Tongren Road the same thing.

Or what about a botanical garden? A Chinese opera? You traded all that in for Dino Beach and the Lion King. I know that stuff is still inside you somewhere, but it's getting harder and harder to find.

The sad truth is, I sometimes slip away to Suzhou or Hangzhou, just for some time away from you. But even now you, in your jealousy and spitefulness, are making plans to draw them into your pearl-encrusted entourage.

Beijing's still got some of that chaotic exuberance, that lust for life. Maybe Beijing would understand me better. Or Hong Kong, now there's some class -- OK OK, don't get angry. I'm sorry I said it. Put down the sharp building and let's just think about it for a little while, all right?

Nicholas is Shangzilla's relationship correspondent

God to expand operations in China with virgin birth

Ice Tray — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 05:59:59 +0800

Today the Chinese press released information regarding a possible virgin birth in Hubei Province. While no one has actually sighted the woman she is believed to have been sequestered until the birth can be broadcast live on the various CCTV broadcast stations. This move by God may be the first in an effort to establish a greater presence in the Middle Kingdom.

The Vatican has neither confirmed nor denied the Chinese claim. However a source close to the pope has confirmed that in an email from the Archangel Gabriel, God has been "considering more proactive options for expanding into emerging markets." The memo goes on to say that a move into China makes "perfect economic sense" because "expectations in commodities like miracles and divine interventions are low, thus the thermodynamic cost of providing these commodities can be kept low". While God's move into China is not unexpected it does leave speculation as to how previously established markets will fare given this recent development.

Analysts say that this move may be genius or madness. One possible downside may be the perception that God's commodities coming out of China are actually cheap knock-offs instead of the real deal. India, a regional rival, is already claiming that China's "alleged" virginal birth is really just a "cheap, rushed to market" copy of a virgin birth in Varanasi last year. However, this decision nearly doubles potential souls available to God and his various subsidiaries, not to mention the vast surplus of virgins for producing these types of births.

The move has also left many people wondering why China, normally not wanting to get into the Divine Being market, would suddenly embrace what is definitely a major reversal of policy. Sources say that the feeling is that this helps China present a more friendly face to the West as well as a solid strategy to counter-claims by religious and human rights organizations.

It's also great for business. Tours to see the virgin and child will be announced shortly after the birth, during Spring Festival of course, and a theme park near Wuhan is being planned. There are already factories producing burning bushes, "Diligently follow the 10 Commandments" tablets and crowns of thorns. The government has also facilitated a move to embrace God's desire by building the Communist Cathedral, to be the world's largest, by 2025.

The regular Chinese citizen seems to be taking it in their stride. As one area woman put it: "We already do Christmas better than the Westerners, it was about time we showed them that we can have virgin births too!"

Ice Tray is Shangzilla's miracles correspondent

Michael Learns to Rock Still Haven't Learnt to Rock

Benjamin — Tue, 23 Oct 2007 09:43:24 +0800

Popular Danish pastry Michael Learns to Rock failed to rock Shanghai at a sell-out concert at the Qi Zhong Stadium on Friday night.

"Despite ten years of trying, Michael still hasn't learnt to rock." music journalist Ditzy K reported in "Mingzhu Yinyue" magazine. "He struggles to keep up with other groups in basic chord progressions and vocal technique. I would recommend holding him back a year. C minus"

Michael Learns to Rock achieved fame in KTV parlours across Shanghai due to their 2004 ballad "Take Me to Your Tart". Partyworld announced performances of the song were flat over the weekend, especially when sung after drinking whisky and green tea.

Benjamin is Shangzilla's music correspondent

IBM assistant marketing executive Kenneth Greene is not actually Kenny G

Olga — Sun, 21 Oct 2007 01:41:07 +0800

Kenneth Greene, 42, a assistant marketing manager for IBM from Wichita, Kansas was mobbed by adoring fans at Pudong International Airport this morning. Greene, who has never been to China before, was visiting Shanghai for a sales conference and was rather perplexed by the welcome.

"Kenny G, Kenny G!" shouted the crowd. One man had brought a large inflatable saxophone, which he waved threateningly in Greene's direction.

The folically challenged Greene, who is no relation to popular jazz saxophonist Kenny G, dealt well with questions about his forthcoming studio album. However some people were left disappointed. "I expected him to have more hair" commented one 23 year old Lili Wang. "Still, at least he spared us by not playing Forever in Love".

Olga is Shangzilla's music correspondent

New tone to be added to Mandarin Chinese for 2008 Olympics

Matt — Sat, 20 Oct 2007 02:33:09 +0800

Scholars from the Ministry of Education, the guardians of the Chinese language, have announced that a new tone will be added to Mandarin in time for the Beijing Olympics.

Li Yuming, a senior education official, said: "With the rapid cultural and social changes in recent years, as well as thriving new concepts in our daily lives, we felt that four tones were no longer sufficient. And the neutral tone has always been a bit of a 光棍."

The new tone joins the 1st tone (high, level, long), 2nd tone (high, rising, medium), 3rd tone (low, dipping, long), and 4th tone (loud, falling sharply, short). It will be denoted by a complex squiggle above the syllable.

"The sound is difficult to reproduce precisely in English," commented Mr Li with an evil chuckle. "Even Da Shan is going to struggle with this one".

Matt is Shangzilla's language correspondent

Shanghai Bagel promises delivery within 3 years - guaranteed

Shangzilla — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 09:00:00 +0800

New delivery company Shanghai Bagel promises to deliver fresh bagels to your home or office, in as little as three years.

Order a chocolate chip bagel now, and you can expect delivery by October 2010.

A spokesbagel commented to Shangzilla: "Shanghai Bagel is committed giving great service while providing fresh bagels and complimentary products. And we deliver within three years, or your money back."

Shangzilla ordered a muffin in 2004. We're still waiting.

Shangzilla is hungry

Overheard in Shanghai: Read my lips

Ice Tray — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 01:00:00 +0800

So I'm in the gym changing my clothes and this older Chinese man, maybe 70 years old, asks me "How long have you been in China?"

So I say "a year", as I get ready for the standard stream of questions. He comes back with "Do you have a Chinese girl yet?" to which I reply "No, I'm too busy". He laughs and says "You shouldn't waste your opportunities." I tell him "I keep my eyes open", he returns with "Just your eyes?" I try to sneak one by him with "I keep my heart open too." However he shuts me down with "Yeah, but you've got to use your hands and lips."

Game, Set, Match.

Ice Tray is Shangzilla's all-ears correspondent

Breaking news: Aliens land in Shanghai

Nukey — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 02:14:55 +0800

After numerous reports of UFOs spotted in the Shanghai skies, today Shangzilla started to receive reports about strange looking alien creatures walking among pedestrians in the busiest streets of the city. They unsuccessfully try to disguise themselves as humans, but do not be fooled by anyone looking like a person with an eye-ball-head.

Be vigilant and do not come in contact with the creatures. After all their intentions are still unknown to us.

Nukey is Shangzilla's Space and Terrestrial Threat Advisor

Chinese consumers' profligacy echoes Burmese monks' bravery

Tipsy — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 01:34:16 +0800

Defiant shoppers in Shanghai notched up 5 billion RMB worth of counter-revolutionary purchases during October's Golden Week holiday. Rejecting the plain lifestyles of top communist officials they succumbed to such "capitalist roader" items as laptop computers, dishwashers and really big fridges.

In scenes reminiscent of the fall of the Berlin wall impatient bargain hunters crowded around the discounted items sections of countless department stores.

Many amongst the assembled spenders were quick to claim solidarity with the protestors in Myanmar (formerly Burma) such as Mr. Wu, 51 who said "They need flat screen televisions as much as we do".

Official policy in the Peoples Republic remains that of "to each according to his needs".

Tipsy is Shangzilla's shopping correspondent

Perfume review: "Summer in Shanghai" is scent to try us

Anna — Sun, 14 Oct 2007 01:00:00 +0800

Over the last few years various fragrances have been trying to capture the special scents of Shanghai, like Bond No.9's Chinatown and YSL's Fleur de Shanghai. This latest creation from the house of XiangDian might have succeeded most accurately.

As you spray it on, the topnotes leave a powdery mist of the well-defined smell of pollution on your body (imagine inhaling deeply into exhaust fumes).

Once the topnotes disappear, scents of the most delicious street-food mingle with the distinctive smell of a popular local mosquito-water.
A hint of trash in the process of decomposing, combined with traces of dead fish and chicken make up the heartnotes of "Summer in Shanghai".

After that, a slightly, yet meant to be, sickening sweetness builds the basenotes, which gives you the feeling of Shanghai's moist summer air.
I can identify white florals and stinky doufu as the main components, which become dominant after the heartnotes fade (and exotic fruits? green tea? motor oil?).

As basenotes, these are what is left on your skin and on your clothes, what mixes with your personal smell and acompanies you throughout the day.

Wearing "Summer in Shanghai" is like taking a stroll through this beloved city of cities. Although this fragrance truly evolves its effects when it can mix with the own body's sweat - it is a rather lovely composition by itself.

Anna is Shanghai's odour correspondent

Make your own Shangzilla headline

Shangzilla — Sat, 13 Oct 2007 12:00:11 +0800

You need to view this article online to see the interactive content

City to build enormous statue of Wang Jian Shuo

Daniel — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 09:00:00 +0800

A giant 392ft (120m) head of popular Shanghai blogger Wang Jian Shuo will top off the newest addition to the Shanghai skyline, according to plans announced on Friday.

"Wang Jian Shuo is single handedly responsible for helping out many Shanghai residents and visitors", announced Shanghai deputy assistant vice mayor Da Jinmao, "helping them find a job, book a hotel and get around the city. We thought it was about time the city paid him back, by building an enormous column in Pudong.

LED displays mounted on each of Wang Jian Shuo's eyebrows will broadcast his latest blog postings to any birds who happen to be flying past.

Comments on Wang Jian Shuo's blog were generally enthusiastic about the plan. "What a magnificent erection", one commenter proclaimed.

Daniel is Shangzilla's architecture correspondent

Fall decries Summer's "unlawful occupation" to UN General Assembly

Nicholas — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 09:00:00 +0800

In the opening days of the 787,291st session of the United Natures General Assembly, Fall made an impassioned plea for action against Summer's "extended and repeated expansion into Fall Territory".

"Fellow natures, these acts of geometeorological aggression cannot be ignored by the internatural community," declared Colored Leaves, Fall's delegate. "Summer has now pushed its high temperatures even past the traditional Mid-Autumn Festival, well into October. This unlawful occupation of such a large portion of Fall threatens the stability of the entire globe."

Summer defended its actions in a heated response. Stated Summer delegate Muggy Air, "There has never been an officially recognized border between our neighboring natures. A healthy intermixture of warm and balmy days has been a hallmark of our interaction."

The Weather Committee has been reviewing the evidence in a series of closed-system discussions led by ranking delegate Cirrus Cloud of Troposphere. An unnamed attendee of the talks reported that the Committee is highly concerned about the involvement of rogue natures. "What we really need to know is, is Summer directly collaborating with and receiving aid from Global Warming and its cohorts, or are they independent actors?"

Fall also continues to make appeals for aid and assistance to the United Strata of Atmosphere. "With its vast resources, Atmosphere could easily assist us with additional trade wind support or more frequent cold fronts." USA had no comment on the matter.

Nicholas is Shanghai's environment correspondent

Burp!

Koyabashi and Matt — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 09:00:00 +0800

Koyabashi and Matt are Shangzilla's replacement cartoonists since the last guy left

UFO Spotted in Shanghai's night sky again, and again and again

Anna — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 09:00:00 +0800

In Shanghai - the inspiration for Matt Groening's Futurama - it's common to see unidentified flying objects in the sky. Shangzilla doesn't normally bother getting out of bed to report these stories. The Shanghai Daily are equally bored, recently reporting "UFOs spotted in Shanghai's night sky again."

When the international media gets hold of it, like in 1999, the story gets blown out of all proportion, until the articles sink deep into the collective subconsciousness of the internet's UFOology websites with their dead links.

So why do we and other representatives of the Shanghai media bother to write about our fellow aliens' forms of transportation? To get us more international readers? No. To sell UFO pictures to the western media for high prices? No.

The sensational aspect for us, that is captured in all three of these pictures, is: Shanghai had a clear sky! Yes, there it is. Our breaking news: believe it or not, it happened in 1942, 1999, and 2007.

Here you find the clear smogless sky, and of course, one of them damn UFOs had to fly right into it, spoiling our beautiful evidence picture.

Anna is Shanghai's UFO correspondent

Local resident disappointed by Orion Pies

Mary-Frances — Sun, 07 Oct 2007 09:00:00 +0800

Local resident Ms. Wang expressed disappointment yesterday after the purchase of a box of Orion "Choco Pies":

"According to the commercial, Zhang
Dong-Jian should show up immediately in a pair of tight brown pants and take me for a bicycle ride. I know he's from Korea and everything, but if they couldn't get him even that Jerry guy from F4 would have been okay. But when I bought these, nothing."

She plans to write to the company for an explanation.

Mary-Frances is Shangzilla's pie correspondent

Area man mocked for absurd English name

Xu Liyun — Sat, 06 Oct 2007 09:00:00 +0800

Shanghai computer engineer Li Chao has endured a week of teasing from his colleagues at Internet advertising company Pikopo.com this week, after he announced he now intended to be known as John Li. "What a ridiculous English name to choose!", giggled secretary Paperclip Chen. "He probably doesn't realise how silly it would sound to a foreigner", added marketing executive Haddock Liu.

According to HR manager Chimpanzee Zhang "At one time, only the very few Chinese who had contact with foreigners had English names. In recent years, more and more young Chinese are choosing to use an English name."

The ribbing continued in the company cafeteria, where the IT department were trying to outdo themselves recounting the names of former colleagues. "Xiao Li could have chosen worse", laughed Tampon Qin, "I used to have a friend called 'Colin'!"

Xu Liyun, Shangzilla's business correspondent, is not telling you his English name

How did the laowai cross the road? By pulling a Whitey

Kobayashi — Sat, 06 Oct 2007 01:00:00 +0800

Exclusive! American resident Archie Tuype pulled a whitey in Shanghai earlier today. This puts "pulling a whitey" incidents 16% up on last month alone, according to official statistics compiled by the Bureau of Laowai Relations.

The incident occurred when Tuype needed to cross the road quickly as he was late for meeting a girl named Lily at the Starbucks on Nanjing Lu.

Eyewitnesses report seeing Archie begin running across the road, when a policeman whistled harshly for him to stop, flailed his arms above his head, beat his chest and began swinging on nearby lamp-post.

Archie "pulled a whitey" by giving the international double-thumbs-up sign and giving a huge cheesy smile - the policeman giggled shyly and waved him past.

Kobayashi is Shangzilla's on-the-streets correspondent

Sun Microsystems introduces Suncakes™

Nukey — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 09:30:00 +0800

Sun Microsystems, the well known computer software, hardware, and e-business solutions provider has decided to step into another niche of the Chinese market, Middle Autumn Festival's mooncakes. The
mooncake market in China yearly grosses at over $8 billion in sales.

That is to estimate, in China every person buys about 6 mooncakes at $1 a piece. People normally give them to each other as presents and eat them during the festive dinners and daily meals.

"To miss such an opportunity of capturing a market share and billions in profit would be a mistake," said Sun Microsystems spokesperson in Shanghai, Jeff Sunlight. Recent competitive involvements of IBM, SAP, as well as Chinese software companies have been eating Sun's lunch in e-business solutions in China.

"Intoduction of Suncakes™, will stabilize our profits in China and balance our losses in software market," added Sunlight.

Suncakes will come at reduced prices than their Chinese counterparts, due to the added marketing value.

Nukey is Shangzilla's business correspondent

Advertisement feature: Casual Mandarin

Kobayashi — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 09:00:00 +0800

Do 99% of expats need to speak Chinese other than when ordering food and making girls giggle with their hand in front of their mouth? No.

Do most people feel a sense of being unique and clever when they utter a few simple sentences to a taxi driver, or a girl giggling with her hand in front of her mouth? Yes.

This is where Casual Mandarin comes in.

We have spotted a niche gap in the language teaching market - for a reasonable 20,000RMB fee, which includes 6 hours of classes, a CD, and a night of inflexible and squeaky passion with a language teacher, you will learn how to make the necessary Chinese hand-signs from one to ten.

Tired of getting 1 apple given to you instead of 2?

Tired of getting 5 apples instead of, say, 6?

Come to Casual Mandarin - the sex is bad and the price ridiculous - but at least you WILL have sex.

Kobayashi is Shangzilla's advertising executive

Mighty Shangzilla.com makes other Shanghai websites look like tiny kumquats

Ashok Balaji — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 09:00:00 +0800

According to the latest traffic statistics realeased by Internet monitoring company Alexa (see graph below), popular satirical blog Shangzilla is streaking ahead of rival English-language city sites.

Shangzilla editor Dan Wasburnt commented "these figures are a vindication of our hard-hitting journalism."

Other sites including little-known blog Shanghaiist (a poor parody of Shangzilla) saw their traffic flat over the month, while Shangzilla traffic increased 6253% on a month-on-month basis.

Ashok is Shangzilla's webmaster

Toy company rocked by new scandal

Matt — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 09:00:00 +0800

US toy giant Haslow has recalled 80,000 of its Gee Gee Gee-up Tiny Toddlers Talking Rocking Horses after reports of a serious fault in the manufacturing process at a Chinese factory.

The toys, manufactured by the Jiading Jiayou Jiayou Manufacturing Company, are supposed to say phrases such as "Let's go for a ride", "I like it when you brush me" and "I'm a little pony".

Unfortunately a bug in the Chinese-English translation software used by the company led to the company mistakenly building a Mocking Horse rather than a Rocking Horse. The Mocking Horse reportedly tells riders "Who do you think you are, the ****ing Lone Ranger?", "Get off my back, Fatso" and "I can't believe you spent $89.99 on me at Walmart!"

A spokesman for Haslow said that consumers should return their mocking horses for a full refund.

Matt is Shangzilla's economics correspondent

Photo of giant monster attacking city is clever hoax

Matt — Sun, 30 Sep 2007 00:00:00 +0800

BREAKING NEWS There is panic on the city streets this morning! Pictures (see below) are circulating which appear to show a giant monster attacking downtown Shanghai. Alarmed office workers, many of whom are working an extra day today before the Golden Week, quickly spread the startling photos via QQ and email. We recommend staying indoors, though you might want to run down to Lawson to stock up on some of those Pocky biscuits. Shangzilla likes the white chocolate ones. More when we have it.

Are you in the area? Are you affected by the monstrous events? Send us your images from the scene: contact@shangzilla.com

UPDATE 11.23am The Public Security Bureau have dispatched a team to tackle the monster, although the latest images from the scene suggest they may already be too late to save one of Shanghai’s best loved TV towers, the Oriental Pearl TV tower. Jiangjiang writes "OMG OMG OMG i can see the evil glare in its eyes."

UPDATE 2.58pm Calm is returning to the streets: the shocking imagery which led to the red alert earlier has been found to be a clever fake. Emergency response officer Chen Lianyu explained to a packed press conference "Although the images which were circulating this morning appeared highly realistic, after substantial analysis we suspect they may have been created using a soft toy and a plastic souvenir model. Also we've checked the Pearl Tower, and it still seems to be there".

Matt is Shangzilla's breaking news correspondent. Photography by MF.

Introducing our new cartoonist

Shangzilla — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 09:00:00 +0800

We are very pleased to announce that Kelvin "Stinky" Doufu, the popular illustrator, will now be drawing exclusive cartoons for Shangzilla.

We hope you'll enjoy his first comic.

Note from the Editor, Mr Doufu went on strike when he discovered that the 50,000 RMB salary we had promised him was an amusing prank, and did not submit the first two panels for publication. We think you'll agree, however, that the punchline is an absolute belter

How to eat at mài dāng láo

Chen Kaotao — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 09:00:00 +0800

Ordering in Chinese restaurants can often be a challenge. Our intrepid restaurant reviewers make it simple for you...

By Chen Kaotao, Shangzilla's food correspondent

If you're craving authentic Shanghai specialities, you can't go wrong with local joint Mài dāng láo. There are numerous eateries around the city, just look for the distinctive yellow characters on a red background.

To order, approach the counter and jab your finger vigorously at the menu. We recommend the 7RMB qīzi burger. The Hàpǐ Meal and chīkīn McNuggets are other specialities.

The waitress may ask you Do you want fries with that. You should reply yes (if you would like a container of salt with your meal) or no (you would not).

After your meal is freshly prepared, take it to an empty table and enjoy. It's considered proper manners to shout "wǒ jiù xǐhuan" as you leave.

Rumours suggest Mài dāng láo may even be opening a branch in the United States soon.

Satirical blog will use any old excuse to put tits on the home page

Shangzilla — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 09:00:00 +0800

Popular satirical blog Shangzilla will use any old excuse to put women's breasts on the home page, according to editor Dan Wasburnt. "Whether it's Hairong Tiantian (海容天天) getting her assets out for some performance art, a body painting festival in Lhasa, or a a sex expo in Pudong, we've discovered that – to sum it up in three words – sex sells"

Wasburnt added "Of course we'll always have some kind of human interest story to go with it, but we know most of our readers will just head straight for the image slideshow."

This blog would never stoop to such levels.