Despite having an entire year to prepare, the monster 年 (Nian) posted yet another disappointing round of failed attacks on numerous Chinese human settlements last Tueday.

"I trained hard and studied my enemy," Nian commented. "But, in the end, they were ready for me with fireworks, red banners, and lanterns. Man, I hate that stuff, and they know it."

Editor's note: According to tradition, every New Year's Eve, the Nian comes out to devour people and animals. However, on New Year’s Eve 除夕(chuxi), Chinese people put couplets written on red paper up on their gate, hang red lanterns across gate beams, set off fireworks and stay up all night. Since the monster hates the color red, bright lights and firecrackers, he is driven away for another year.

Nian's string of many thousand failures has forced him to re-think his strategy. "I've always been convinced that the night before the Lunar New Year in China was really the ideal attack plan," he insisted. "But you know, maybe I need to switch it up, try something new... god, I haven’t had a bite to eat in ages."

So far, Nian is being secretive about his plans, but an unnamed close associate reports that he's considering attacks on a "plump and juicy" Western hemisphere country sometime in early July.