Come here, Shanghai. Sit down. We need to talk.

Look, this is hard for me to say, because I care so much about you, but... you've changed. You're not the same as you used to be. The glitzy nights, the endless opening parties... the camera crews, for God's sake! Do we need all that to have a nice time together?

Sure, I'm not the dashing lad I used to be, but I'd like to think I've kept some of my original rapscallion charm. And I've learned to appreciate the spectrum of experiences there are to be had in this world.

Sometimes a dive bar is fun -- but it seems like you'd like to forget that part of you ever existed. And don't call those Potemkin nights on Tongren Road the same thing.

Or what about a botanical garden? A Chinese opera? You traded all that in for Dino Beach and the Lion King. I know that stuff is still inside you somewhere, but it's getting harder and harder to find.

The sad truth is, I sometimes slip away to Suzhou or Hangzhou, just for some time away from you. But even now you, in your jealousy and spitefulness, are making plans to draw them into your pearl-encrusted entourage.

Beijing's still got some of that chaotic exuberance, that lust for life. Maybe Beijing would understand me better. Or Hong Kong, now there's some class -- OK OK, don't get angry. I'm sorry I said it. Put down the sharp building and let's just think about it for a little while, all right?